Epitaph

0n a Monument lately erected in Horsley-Down Church, in Cumberland.

"Here lie the bodies Of Thomas Bond and Mary his wife.
She was temperate, chaste, and charitable;
BUT
She was proud, peevish, and passionate.
She was an affectionate wife, and a tender mother;
BUT
Her husband and child, whom she loved,
Seldom saw her countenance without a disgusting frown,
Whilst she received visitors, whom she despised, with an endearing smile.
Her behaviour was discreet towards strangers;
BUT
Imprudent in her family.
Abroad, her conduct was influenced by good breeding;
BUT
At home, by ill temper.
She was a professed enemy to flattery,
And was seldom known to praise or commend,
BUT
The talents in which she principally excelled,
Were difference of opinion, and discovering flaws and imperfections.
She was an admirable economist,
And, without prodigality,
Dispensed plenty to every person in her family;
BUT
Would sacrifice their eyes to a farthing candle.
She sometimes made her husband happy with her good qualities;
BUT
Much more frequently miserable - with her many failings:
Insomuch that in thirty years cohabitation he often lamented
That, maugre all her virtues,
He had not, in the whole, enjoyed two years of matrimonial comfort.
AT LENGTH
Finding that she had lost the affections of her husband,
As well as the regard of her neighbours,
Family disputes having been divulged by servants,
She died of vexation, July 20, 1768,
Aged 48 years.
Her worn-out husband-survived her four months and two days,
And departed this life Nov. 28, 1768,
In the 54th year of his age.
William Bond,brother to the deceased, erected this stone,
As a weekly monitor to the surviving wives of this parish,
That they may avoid the infamy
Of having their memories handed to posterity
With a patch-work character."